Pile number 1, your card is The 3 of Cups

Friends are an important part of life, especially if you are single. You need someone to talk to about your day, your work, even your doctor’s appointments. Somebody to meet for coffee, go to the movies, sit in a restaurant for hours, or simply exist next to without having to explain yourself.

Friendships can replace a relationship to a certain degree, and that’s fine. Sometimes, that is exactly what you need, and it’s great to be surrounded by people who actually hold you, support you and cheer you up.

The 3 of Cups is the card of friendships and social settings. In this particular case, it is also asking you to take a closer look at the people you surround yourself with. Who is meant to help you through a phase, and who grows with you as you grow? Not everybody who cheers you up when you feel low is truly happy when you feel better.

There are many layers to this, and not all of them will apply to your specific situation. To name just a few: If your friends are constantly clubbing, flirting, drinking and joking about how “men are trash” or “women are crazy”, you may unconsciously start radiating that same energy. And people who are ready for a stable relationship will sense that from miles away. Or if your circle is frustrated with dating, you might spiral together, sharing every bad experience, analyzing every red flag, amplifying ever disappointment until frustration becomes your normal tone. Now imagine you’re telling your frustrated friend about a minor inconvenience with the person you’re dating, and your friend, deeply rooted in frustration, will give you advice that will cause your new connection to break before it had the chance to grow.

Be mindful of who you talk to about your dates. Be selective about whose advice you take. Not everyone is qualified to guide you into the kind of relationship you want. Some people will go as far as to sabotage you, because they need you more than you need them and they do not want to lose you as their single-friend.

Another additional layer is the fact that the person you start to date does not only observe you, but also your social circle. They will judge you by your friends. This one is unfair, but it is reality. So be careful who you introduce to your new love-interest.

This doesn’t mean that your friends are bad people, or that you should be ungrateful. It means that you should observe your social circle and ask yourself some questions now and then.

Do you trust every person in your circle to speak well of you when you’re not in the room?

Do you trust them to protect your relationship, or would they accidentally sabotage it with careless comments?

Do you believe they still support you when they see you’re on the edge of getting a better, happier life?

Different people are at different stages, and they take a different amount of time with each stage. Some are ready for the next chapter with you. Some are attached to the version of you that existed before you evolved.

Choose carefully who you bring into your future.

Pile number 2, your card is The Hermit

A part of you wants a relationship and love. But a part of you is not done with being alone. And this part is silently sabotaging every attempt to find a partner.

Maybe you’ve become very skilled at finding a reason why each new person isn’t quite the right fit. Maybe you’re picking the emotionally unavailable ones or people who are already in a relationship. Maybe you sabotage yourself by saying or doing something that is slightly inappropriate and turning the other person off.

It is not a shame to be single. It is totally okay to need your space, your alone-time, and your freedom. You don’t owe anyone anything but yourself. No matter how old you are, allow yourself to take your time and allow yourself to change your mind when you are ready.

You don’t have to have your first boyfriend or girlfriend at 20, you don’t need to be married at 30, and if you are 60, you can still enjoy your life and you will not be doomed to die alone, you can still get a partner later. There is no rule and no law that tells you that you’re worthless if you never had a boyfriend or girlfriend at a certain age. This is pressure that you put on yourself. The only thing that you lose when you start out later is your first divorce and the experience of dealing with an incredible amount of debts. On the other hand, if you are already older, please know that finding a partner does not get more difficult with every year. You, too, are allowed to take your time. As much of it as you need.

Allow yourself to take your time.

And be honest to yourself. Would you really want to live with somebody? Would you really want somebody to sit in your living room, waiting for you to come home? Somebody you have to call and tell them that you will be late, because you want to go to Starbucks with your friend (and risking that they’re angry if you do that too often, because they’re waiting for you)? Somebody you have to discuss (and agree on) every vacation with? Somebody who shares your bed every night (and maybe snores)? Somebody who wants you to go to bed earlier than you? Or later? Someone who wakes you up at 6 a.m. on a Sunday? Or somebody who sleeps until noon and ruins your productive Sunday?

A partner is not just romance. It’s logistics, habits, compromise, shared space. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting that right now.

“Not now” does not mean “never”. And by no means does it mean “unloveable” or “unworthy”.

Everybody goes through phases, and so do you. If you are in a phase right now where the logistics of a committed relationship do not fit your lifestyle, you have every right to stay single by choice as long as it serves you, and there is no need for you to find any excuse for doing what is best for you right now.

Pile number 3, your card is The Hierophant.

You are giving your best and trying to figure it out. You may feel like you’re different from others, or that you “don’t know how dating works”.

Maybe you are very young, or you are just coming out of a very long relationship, and you feel like dating somebody new is overwhelming. Maybe you wonder how others do this, or if there is some secret code or “rules” the others play by. Something you missed out on.

The truth is: You missed out on nothing. Some people are decent human beings. They will give their best and be kind. And others are frustrated and hurt people, because they have been hurt. Some are honest. Some are not. Some will think that you’re not the one, and not go on another date with you. On some, you will make a good impression and they will give it a try and ask you if you’re up for another date next weekend.

A like on tinder is not a contract, meeting for a coffee is not a contract, and even 3 or 5 dates are not contracts, either. You don’t treat it as such. You meet the other person, you are curious, and you see if you vibe. If it’s nice, ask for another date. If they say yes, and the second date is nice, you go on a third date. If at some point along the way you think “noooo, the person is doing a, b, c, the person is venting about x, y, z, I don’t like that”, you stop. Along the way, you act like a decent human being, you are kind, you try to be helpful, you listen, you see how much effort the other person is putting in in return, you consider. And the other person is doing the same. This is it.

No secret language, no code, no secret rules of conduct. (If somebody’s behavior puzzles you, though, that’s a red flag)

The only secret to it maybe is this one: Don’t waste time on people you don’t like (or who don’t like you back). Spend your time wisely and rather give a new person a chance.

You can do this. It’s not that hard. And not that scary, either.